If the Niners’ want to continue being the penny-pinching misers that they’ve shown with this week’s hiring of Mike Nolan, then why not hire me?

Hmmm…

(insert daydream music here)

Katherine’s Resume

Objective: To become head coach or general manager of the San Francisco 49ers, everyone’s favorite downtrodden NFL franchise.

Education:

Boston University

Ed.M in Higher Education Administration, Expected May 2005

Binghamton University

B.A. in History, Minor in Art History, May 2004

Ithaca College

Studied Sports Information and Communication, 2000-2001

Experience:

Yahoo Fantasy Football Leagues August 2004-Janurary 2005

Finished 4 in both a 10 member and 12 member leagues, had the smart idea to pick up Brandon Stokley and Jerome Bettis just on a hunch, rode McNabb and a WR not to be named because you had problems with him to a very good regular season record until said WR had to go and hurt his freaken ankle.

Steve Young Fan January 1993-Present

Spent my formative teenage years obsessing over your former quarterback, at one point could recite his QB rating per year, what the formula was for the QB rating, and could tell you how many rushing yards he had cumulative to 1994, could also tell you when he graduated from law school, and often corrected people who thought he had brown eyes, not blue. Has taught me to be more tolerant of Republicans and to embrace Michael Irvin for the idiot he is. I can also pretty much name the entire roster of your 1994-95 Super Bowl team due to Steve Young’s inclusion on it. (Example: Off the top of my head, I can tell you the QB roster, which was Young, Elvis Gerbac, and Bill Musgrave, and can note that Doug Brien, the now embattled Jets kicker, was the kicker for said team, and that John Taylor was still on the team at that point, oh and that Brent Jones too went to BYU law, and that I often got him and Harris Barton confused, and that Steve Wallace wore a double helmet. I could go on, but I’ll spare you the memories of your glory years.)

Mountainview Housing Office Pick The Winners Regular Season Champion Fall 2003

Kicked everyone in the office’s butt when it came to picking a select number of games per week.

Extracurricular Activities:

Recreational Madden 2003 player (although I’ll admit my favourite facets of the game are the field goal training camp drills and playing the 1994 Niners versus the 1995 Niners on automatic mode. Oh, and switching Steve Young to being a Buffalo Bill.)

Requesting Salary:

$29,000 per year

(see, I’m cheap!)

(end daydream)

….see? I think I’m well qualified for what they’re willing to pay. I mean, hire me, save money, and then maybe they could use the rest to sign actual players who might make the cut on some AFC teams (some, not all. No need to get unrealistic for the rebuilding process here.)

I’m not saying that the hiring of Nolan is a farce. I mean, I did draft the Ravens defense in like the third round of the MCFFLOAT this year. Me, the non-defense girl, took a defense early. I mean, that speaks volumes about Nolan’s previous work.

However, here’s my problem, and it reflects my all-offense-all-the-time-girliness: Out of the three facets of the Niners, I feel the offense needs the most work. In the NFC, the Niners defense finished 12th, while the offense finished 13th (surprising, isn’t it? Worst team in the league, yet they are not the worst team statistically in the NFC…). However, in they finished -17 in take/give aways, meaning the Niners’ QB’s were intercepted 18 times, their players fumbled 16, all while their defense was on par or better with the Vikings and Packers (two playoff teams, by the way) in total takeaways (passes they intercepted and the fumbles they forced that resulted in a Niner procession.) The rushing and receiving statistics are pretty dismal. However, I mean, this is a team that held the Patriots to 7 points in a half, and a team that was able to shut down the Cardinals twice. I need to look at more statistics, but take those short ones and then add on that the most significant veterans they have are on defense, and that that side of the ball was put together by Jim Mora Jr. (who really isn’t a jr.) before he fled for Vick-land. They need to address the offense more than they need to do anything else, and while I recognize the oft-contended point that just because a coach is previously a defensive coordinator, doesn’t mean they will be a defensive minded head coach, I just think that a guy with such a heavy defensive background like Nolan isn’t the best guy for them. They need someone better rounded. I don’t know who they should have hired, but there has to be someone out there who would be able to address both sides of the ball effectively. But really, if the offense doesn’t improve, all the defense in the world isn’t going to help you much (i.e. the Ravens non-existent playoff appearance this season). And I don’t know if drafting a QB is the answer either. I mean, they have totally young QBs in their stable now, and no strong offensive coaching staff to develop them, and no effective offensive line to protect them. Even if you had Matt Leinart (who didn’t declare anyway), even all his USC magic would not go far if he was open to sacks like the Cask and Flagon to a Red Sox post-victory crowd.

I could go on and on. I just feel that they settled with Nolan because 1) his dad was a Niners’ coach in the 70s and 2) he’s going to be able to be paid less than say, Romeo Crennel or Jim Fassel. And that’s the bottom line with the York ownership: cheapness.

Urgh.

***

This week was the first week of classes at Boston University for the spring semester, meaning my winter break is officially over. Thus, the break of massive reading has ended. I ended up reading five books (Moneyball, False Start: How the New Browns Were Set Up to Fail, Committed: Tales of a Fantasy Football Junkie, Hockey in Rochester, and He’s Just Not Into You) and starting a sixth (Faithful). Here are my Winter Break O’ Reading Awards:

Best: (tie) Committed and Moneyball. Both astounding books: Moneyball for having so many of those lightbulb moments for me, because I am behind in understanding baseball as well as I do football or hockey, and Committed for making me laugh hystarically while also making me realize that not only are there war weirder people than me out there, but there women who have seriously taken up fantasy football up there with the hardcore bar regulars.

Most Whiney: False Start. Hands down, one of the most annoying books I’ve ever read. I was that close to finishing it, but I had to take a break because the constant talking in the second person (“You guys feel like the NFL cheated you? They did cheat you! You are miserable because the NFL is evil. Carmen Policy and you are not friends!”) Like, dude, I know people in Cleveland are miserable, but gosh, can you make less annoying arguments as to why the Browns had no control over their suckiness?

Most Degrading: He’s Just Not Into You. I’m glad to know that I, as a women, have to sit around and not take control of my own romantic life and wait around forever for any guys to ever show an interest in me, and then turn 75% of those guys who do show an interest in me down because they don’t bring me flowers every 5 seconds and/or want to spend time with their family or friends at some points. I’m also glad to know that despite how this book came about, men and women should not be friends, especially not men and women who used to date each other. Bull. Sure, there are some valid points to be learned through this book for the large majority of girls, like “get over a guy real quick once he breaks up with you, and don’t stalk them and/or call him up multiple times bawling.” But yo, I already knew that. I mean, I am Miss Queen of Successful Breakups. Basically I hate this book because it’s all about being passive, and the only active you take is dumping or rejecting guys. Last I checked, successful people weren’t successful because they were passive in life.

Best Pictures and Least Interesting to Anyone Who Is Not Me: Hockey in Rochester. Well, I’ll admit, unlike what I had thought before I got it for my birthday, it’s mainly a picture book. But a good one. The author racked tons of archives to trace hockey’s development and history in Rochester, which is pretty darn significant considering it’s all we do as Western New Yorkers. Very informative captions, but unfortunately only one Jean-Luc Grand-Pierre sighting, which is in the corner of a picture about one of the Amerks goalies. Sigh…how can they overlook the best looking Amerk of all time?!

If It Was Released Any Other Year, No One Would Buy It: Faithful. This is the first Stephen King book I’ve ever read. It’s also pointless if you don’t like the Red Sox and would be pointless had the Red Sox not won the World Series this year. However, I enjoy it, and will be fitting it in around my schoolwork.

And Best Movie of Break (okay, I know these are book awards, but I had to throw it in here): In Good Company. Awesome movie. Definitely worth all the hype that I had built up for myself after seeing the preview a few months back.

***

I was in the first day of my Distance Education course the other day, and the professor mentioned, “…the needs of adult learners, such as yourselves…”

I looked around the room, and began the following internal conversation: “Sure, they’re all adults in this class…wait. Does he think I’m an adult? No, I’m not. I’m 23. I’m still a…oh wait. I’m 23. I’m an adult. No, I can’t be. Nope, I think I’m an adult. Oh my gosh, I’m an adult. A grown up. I’m not a kid. I may still look like one, but nope, definitely an adult.”

That was the most depressing moment, like, ever.